Posts Tagged ‘Bill Gates’

CHINA MIÉVILLE vs. BILL GATES

Posted: June 6, 2011 by Tomcat in Uncategorized
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Ever since China Miéville defeated Donald Trump in vicious one-on-one combat, Bill Gates has been watching him.  Initially, Gates mistook China for other bald-headed techno-geek Steve Jobs, but now he knows his mistake, and has done his research.  There is no end to his knowledge of China Miéville; he’s even read that strange one he wrote for kids a couple of years ago.

Now Bill sits deep in the bowels of Gates-manor, surrounded by hundreds of monitors.  Each of these screens is looping in infinite play-back, displaying all of China’s recent encounters.  On one screen China repeatedly defeats Lady Gaga, on another he disposes of Lev Grossman – one screen flickers as China continually dispatches Cthulhu and one displays his victory over Robert Pattinson.  The largest monitor, in the centre of all others, shows China’s current location.  Bill leans forwards, squeezing his Steve Jobs-shaped stress ball, and suddenly jumps from his chair.  China is alone, looking for inspiration in a massive disused factory – this is Bill Gates’ chance to strike.

As China Miéville wanders the abandoned factory floor, he becomes suddenly aware of a helicopter engine – it’s heading towards the building – it hovers above the roof!  Almost before China can react, the glass above him shatters and a figure descends on a rope, landing a few meters in front of the bemused novelist.  Pulling off a blacked-out cycle helmet, the figure reveals himself – Bill Gates!

“Give me the earrings Miéville! – I’ve seen what they can do” demands Bill in his characteristic nasal whine “I want that technology – I NEED it to defeat Steve Jobs.”  He advances towards China, a buzzing cattle-prod in his hand.

China smiles and obliges – he removes his earrings and after a pretence of submission, suddenly throws them directly at Bill Gates.  Mid-air, the cybernetic worms come to life, wiggling, red-eyed and determined, ready to burrow into the flesh of their target.

But with unexpected speed, Bill Gates presses a small switch built-into the sleeve of his suit.  The cybernetic worms shut down and drop to the floor at Gates’ feet, motionless, the red-eyes fading.  He picks them up and with a sardonic smile thanks China for his acquiescence.

Bill signals upwards and the rope attached to his back-pack retracts, lifting him up into the air and towards the waiting helicopter.  China Miéville runs and at the last instant grabs hold of Gates’ ankle.  The two men are carried over the city, hanging from the rope attached to the helicopter.  China climbs up Bill Gates, but he doesn’t stop there – he climbs up the rope and into the cock-pit.  Knocking the pilot unconscious, China takes the controls and turns the vehicle around. 

“NO, STOP!” screams Gates as he dangles from the rope – China doesn’t respond.  He pilots the helicopter and descends, lowering Bill Gates to the ground.  Bill struggles with the wire, but China doesn’t press the release.  Instead he dips the nose of the helicopter, and accelerates towards his assailant – the spinning rotor blades angled towards Bill Gates!  Bill tries to run, but he’s still attached the vehicle.  Covering his face in a pointless effort to protect himself, he screams as the spinning blades make contact.

In the aftermath, China alights from the helicopter and locates his earrings amidst the far-spread mess of what used to be Bill Gates.  Wiping them clean, he re-attaches them, and walks away.

WINNER: CHINA MIÉVILLE

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