As he leafed through the first draft pages of his prospective next book China Miéville flicked through the channels on his television idly. Suddenly the room was filled with trite dialogue and pat scenarios. He switched off the film and sat in the dark for a few minutes whilst he decided on the best course of action.
Within a few hours he was on a plane, and a few hours later he was in Los Angeles, looking for the set where they were filming a few days of reshoots for the upcoming cinematic farrago. After a short ride in a rented car, a culturally appropriate Chevrolet, he was at the studio. One effortless climb over the wall and he was on the lot, a quick look around to see where the most bustle and industry was and he headed for one of the buildings. He turned the corner and there they were, Robert Pattinson and Taylor Lautner, emoting at one another as hard as their little faces allowed for.
As Bill Condon screamed to his first A.D. to call security, for someone or anyone to apprehend the interloper who was ruining his shot, China Miéville approached Robert Pattinson and Taylor Lautner. They edged away, a little nervous but insulated from real fear by their vast wealth and consequent disconnect from reality. China Miéville grabbed Taylor Lautner by his left ear and Robert Pattinson by his right. Before either could cry out, or turn into wolves or use their sparkly undead speed, China Miéville brought their heads together with a satisfyingly heavy thud. He dropped them down to the fake snow that covered the floor and turned back, walking out through the studio doors as the stunned security guards stood back and watched him go.
WINNER: CHINA MIÉVILLE