Chuck Norris has learnt of a new website, one which purports to feature the toughest man in the world as its titular protagonist. ‘Well’, he thinks, ‘we’ll see about that’. At home in Chuck Norris Heights, he opens his generously stocked gun cabinet and peruses his armoury, selecting his characteristic pair of Uzis. But something just doesn’t feel right. ‘No!’ He realises; ‘I don’t need guns to take down this pretender; my fists alone are arsenal enough’.
Before he takes on China Miéville unarmed, he must ready himself. He begins by meditating to prepare his mind; a process that largely consists of sitting cross-legged in his living room – surrounded by Chuck Norris memorabilia – and repeatedly chanting his own name in a drawn-out baritone. After twelve hours of this, his eyes snap open. His mind is ready.
Next he must make sure that he looks the part. Applying industrial cement-strength beard wax to his comb, he begins the long process of grooming his facial hair. A thousand strokes of the comb through the left-side of his beard; a thousand through the right, and a thousand more to secure in place the hair that sprouts from his chin. Selecting his favourite sleeveless denim shirt from his wardrobe of exclusively sleeveless denim shirts, he dresses himself and leaves his home for the gym, to begin the next phase of combat preparation.
Arriving at the gym, Chuck Norris begins to prime his body. He starts with the treadmill, but he is Chuck Norris, and no treadmill is fast enough for him! So he turns around and runs backwards on the fastest speed setting and the steepest incline. Several hours later, the tread has worn away to nothing, and Chuck hops off, not a drop of sweat has formed on his brow. Next: weights. But he is Chuck Norris, and no weights are heavy enough to challenge him. So he lifts the entire building onto his shoulders, and after performing one thousand squats, gently sets the gym down; still, not a hint of exhaustion shows. Now: cycling. And as his powerful legs work the pedals, Chuck Norris becomes the first man to perform a wheelie on an exercise bike; simultaneously generating enough electricity to power the entire city. Finally: some light stretches.
His mind is focused, his beard is groomed, his body pumped; China Miéville cannot escape, for all roads lead to Chuck Norris. This is it; he is ready – the titanic conflict is about to begin, and much like Chuck Norris’ first day at school: there will be no survivors.
He heads towards China Miéville’s house, ready to take care of this young upstart for good. But as Chuck Norris rounds the final corner, China is ready for him and smashes Chuck in the face with a two-by-four, knocking him unconscious. China Miéville steps over Chuck Norris’ prostrate body, and continues about his day.
WINNER: CHINA MIÉVILLE