CHINA MIÉVILLE vs. THE ARCHBISHOP OF CANTERBURY

Posted: May 17, 2011 by Tomcat in Uncategorized
Tags: , ,

But, as we often see against some storm
A silence in the heavens, the rack stand still,
The bold winds speechless, and the orb below
As hush as death, anon; the dreadful thunder
Doth rend the region.

                                HAMLET II: ii   ll.479-483

 

The Archbishop of Canterbury has learnt of China Miéville’s new ‘skulltopus’ tattoo, and he is not pleased.  It’s a perverse hybrid, a bastardization of nature, and Canterbury can’t let that shit fly.

So, he spends many days stalking China Miéville, waiting for the opportune moment to attack; following him to the gym, the library, to his home – all the while he plans the perfect assault.

Now, late at night, the Archbishop of Canterbury waits, fully aware of China Miéville’s routine; he has decided to strike from an alley as China walks home.  For a weapon he carries his crosier, to the end of which he has grafted a needle machine, loaded with black ink, ready to despoil China’s tattoo. 

But the Archbishop has made a serious error: whilst stalking China Miéville he has dressed in his full Episcopal regalia!  For many days China has noticed the golden peak of a lavish mitre bobbing behind dustbins, around corners and ducking under prams and parked cars. 

So when the Archbishop lunges from the alleyway, China is ready, and dodges Canterbury’s eager thrust.  In the same fluid movement China disarms Canterbury of his crosier, and turns the Archbishop’s own modified staff against him.  With unexplainable speed China Miéville tattoos the Archbishop with a grinning skulltopus of his own, before he casts the crosier aside and continues his walk home.

The Archbishop of Canterbury, surprisingly fond of his new tattoo, nods and slinks away; defeated.

WINNER: CHINA MIÉVILLE

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Comments
  1. Catherine says:

    I’m so very glad this exists. *dies of laughter imagining Williams w/his mitre and crozier tangling with Mieville*

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