Early one Tuesday, as he was taking the recycling outside for collection, China Miéville was approached by bearded Iranian tyrant, holocaust denier and all round bad-egg Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.
“Hey you,” said Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, “I’ll swap you my PhD in Traffic and Transport for some enriched Uranium. Weapons-grade.” Trying to ignore the clearly mad dictator China Miéville turned to go back inside when he heard the clatter of glass behind him. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was rummaging through the green glass bottles.
“If you don’t tell me where the Uranium is, I’m going to mix your recyclables.” He threatened, holding an empty and thoroughly rinsed tin of baked beans over the paper and card bin.
China Miéville took out his phone, intending to call the police, when Mahmoud Ahmadinejad threw the tin aside before lunging, hands balled into angry fists. Deflecting a right hook, then a jab, China Miéville grabbed Mahmoud Ahmadinejad’s fist in his left hand before delivering a brutal uppercut with his right.
When he came outside again, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad had been taken away with the rest of the rubbish.
WINNER: CHINA MIÉVILLE