Returning home from his morning work-out, China Miéville opens his cupboards and begins to pour himself some coco-pops. Only then does he notice Quentin Tarantino, suited, booted and wearing a skinny black tie, sitting in a bucket-chair opposite China’s kitchen counter; baseball bat in one hand, a briefcase at his feet.
Having read that China Miéville doesn’t much care for hamburgers, Quentin is here to teach him a lesson.
‘Coco-pops’ he exclaims, ‘the cornerstone of any nutritious breakfast.’
Standing, Quentin steps forward and begins to gently stroke the bemused China’s left cheek with the business-end of the bat before making an aggressive swing at his head. Quentin’s repeated attacks are effortlessly deflected by China, who eventually grabs the bat mid-swing and looks on bewildered as his assailant vainly attempts to wrestle back control of the weapon.
Tarantino, unable to stop referencing his own films, now endeavours to snatch out China’s eye with his free hand. China, having seen Kill Bill, anticipates this move and, taking hold of Quentin’s wrist, nuts him in the face; breaking his nose and sending him sprawling on the floor. After dragging Tarantino out of his house and depositing him on the pavement, China returns to his kitchen for coco-pops and cartoons.
WINNER: CHINA MIÉVILLE.